(Photo: Courtesy of ANAS)

A large Haemorrhoid passing through our solar system is causing increasing discomfort amongst astrophysicists who find themselves unable to sit on the fence.

The cosmic object newly identified as ANU-SOL 24 hasn’t been passed our way for millennia and may collide with Earth as early as 2032. It can be seen in the Night Sky near the Crotch of Orion resembling a ginormous bunch of grapes.

The Grapes of Wrath

This prediction has sparked fears of an ELON (Extinction Level Or Nearly) Event – something not seen by any living creature since the extermination of any living creatures along with the Diner Sores, 180 Million Years ago.

You Cannot Be Sirius

The last time such a difficult passage was experienced was the so-called Tonguemuska Event in 1908 when a large, unknown object, flattened a large area of remote Siberian forest. Almost no details are known of this event; astrophilosophically speaking, when a Meteorite falls in a forest and everyone dies instantaneously, it apparently doesn’t make a sound.

Get Outta DOGE Star

Because of the noiselessness of this Muskovite crashing into earth, it is widely believed it was the self-destruction of Nikola Tesla’s very first electric car, The Terrorplane, the unreliability of which prompted him to develop the Football pitch-sized Dinamo Tbilisi and Dynamo Moscow models, so favoured by the Muskovites.  

Massive Piles Up

Whilst the veracity of the Tonguemuska event continues to be debated – options for mitigating – quite literally – the impact of a 2032 Pile-Up are taxing great minds around the world and a globule conference is scheduled for later this year in Chalfont St Giles, UK.

Our Solar System

A front running solution is the so-called ‘Passive Mile-Up’ which involves the firing of A-Steroidal applications into orbit to target the offending inbound object, creating a Ring of Rubber around the Earth. This would effectively ‘bounce’ the Haemorrhoid in the direction of the nearest Black Hole – Keir BH3 – thus giving Earth and Uranus, a safe passage.