In the wake of Dental Health Awareness week and amid further easing of lockdown restrictions, UK Chancellor of the Exchequer Phil McCavity, has announced that the Tooth Fairy will remain in Lockjawdown.

In an unforeseen consequence of the COVID pandemic, it is emerging that the Tooth Fairy will still not be allowed into people’s homes – even through windows that are left open. In fact, the Tooth Fairy may never return.  The latest research suggests the Tooth Fairy may well have been at the root of the spread of toothache after all. Children will still be allowed to believe in the fairy but it will not be possible to exchange teeth for cash.

BLACK TOOTH MCCAVITY

During lockdown a surprising statistic emerged amongst children, who seemed less affected by loose or wiggly teeth . This was initially attributed to the unpleasant taste of bitrex present in most hand sanitisers.  McCavity, the MP for Wrotham Canal, said “In monetary terms and in terms of a tenable, sustainable service going forward, we have to recognise that as a society, things have changed and it is now incumbent on all of us to hold on to our teeth for longer. It is unfeasible for children to rely on a ‘Fairy State’ that will magically reimburse them for what is, after all, the normal, natural loss of dentition.”

LESS IS MOLAR

McCavity, already christened “Milk Teeth Snatcher”, announced new compensation measures but noted that these would not be handed on a plate: “From April 2024 mobile phone top-up relief will be available to those children who retain teeth; credits will be means-tested and added to an account accessible from Facebook or Instagram, once the child is 18. Transitional arrangements between now and April 2022 will allow continued payments per whole tooth, excepting those broken or damaged in childlike games. Sleep tight.”

The Tooth Fairy was unavailable for comment.