A headless corpse thought to be that of missing fortune teller Bantam Akimbo was discovered yesterday in unforeseen circumstances. The Medium Chicken reported himself missing shortly before he disappeared last week but was not taken seriously.

SALT AND BATTERY FARM

A close friend of the Medium who can’t be named for leghorn reasons was deeply upset, “He knew something bad was gonna happen, he wouldn’t have plucked it out of thin air. But to be found in the buff in a supermarket – it’s just wrong”.  Akimbo’s body was discovered wrapped in plastic only a few hundred metres from Bank tube station. A former bank employee himself, he’d had a successful career before being accused of layering after having predicted the 2008 banking crisis in his book ‘Too Big To Be Quail’.

PSYCHIC CHICKEN (QU’EST QUE C’EST?)

Aisle witnesses described horrific scenes as being like something out of Alfred Spatchcock’s ‘The Birds’. His body having been placed on a rack between other small and large chickens with heads removed would suggest organised crime. The fact that his giblets were also removed would indicate a message was being sent to other mediums to look to their own future. Chicken innards have been used by clairvoyants to generate predictions since the start of this article.

POULTRY OF INTEREST

Police have not yet ruled out fowl play but local jailbird ‘Large’ Leghorn was taken into the Custard Aisle and stuffed in a Police Van. Police sauces confirmed Leghorn was later released without charge but remains a poultry of interest although he is not viewed as a flight risk. Seen leaving Whitesauce Police Station he simply said, “No condiment.”

BUTTERFLY EFFECT

Supermarket spokesperson Al Funghi wasn’t surprised. “We get a lot of late night revelers in here,, jerks mainly, when they are completely basted – giving it large – just small fry really. That’s why we were so surprised he was a medium, but with a dressing like that what did he expect?”