There is a groundswell of opinion rising on the UK’s streets: it’s about manholes and it’s about diversity. It’s an increasing understanding that all installation options be considered before assuming Inspection Chambers would be round, cast iron and conform to outdated stereotypes. Blame is put firmly on Victorian attitudes to sewerage systems that have forced equal rights activists underground.

SINK IN FEELING

The group Inspection Chambers Unite (ICU a.k.a. I-See-You) have their base in a sinkhole seven metres below Shoreditch and self-styled leader ‘Stinky’ explains: “They say we are a bunch of pipe-heads but every time I hear a new Inspection Chamber is being dug and its being called a ‘Manhole’ I just know everyone will expect it to be round, cast iron and well, called a manhole. We must raise the ironwork profile of square and triangular inspection chambers, even those funny roundy ones with those triangular tabby bits sticking out of them. All have been cast out of foundries since defecating began and it’s hard to understand this culture of shite privilege that has led to access being provided predominantly by round, iron covers.”

BIAS ONE, GET ONE FREE

Ian Spector, Chief Inspector of The Inspectorate of Inspection Chamber Inspection has been accused of introspection and of failing to look into manholes. Speaking from his chambers he responded, “We should reasonably accept that the term ‘manhole’ is in common parlance but that from a technical specification point of view we have long referred to these subterranean voids as Inspection Chambers (ICs). It is unfortunate that people feel this reflects unconscious bias, whether that’s treating surface water superficially or shite privilege where foul water drains are concerned.”

SAVAGE STREETS

Spigot the Bigot, Chief Shouty Bloke speaking only for himself and his mates shouted, “Life on the street is savage, you need a cast iron constitution to survive. There’s no place for square pegs in round holes out there; it’s a simple fact of nature. Round manhole covers can’t fall down their own ‘ole, innit? Yer square ones turn diagonal under a bit o’ pressure and drop in sideways. Effin’ useless. And don’t start me on them triangular ones, bloody weirdos, wouldn’t want one of them on your patio under yer planter or near yer kids would ya? Let alone outside your ‘ouse wiv a ten-ton waggon on it. Stands ter reason, it’d just go down on yer. I ‘ad some of them galvanised rubbish on my truck once. I just scrapped ‘em.”

CAST ASIDE

Square galvanised steel inspection covers have indeed been subjected to abuse and heavy trafficking right from the UK’s leafy suburbs to its busy highways – suddenly finding themselves in wholly inappropriate situations. A Pedestrian Grade cover who couldn’t be named for lethal reasons explained, “I can handle myself and cover an Inspection Chamber, it’s what I was made for but just for pedestrian traffic – I’m ok with people walking all over me. But they put me in the middle of a zebra crossing on the North Circular. They knew I’d never be able to cope with thousands of vehicles a day but traffic management just laughed and said, ‘It’s a pedestrian crossing, what’s your problem?’ It was crushing, I had no control, it was their way and the highway. In the end I broke down and went under.”

UNDERGROUND MOVEMENT

Although usually fundamentally opposed to each other, even the hard-line Foul Water Party (FWP) and the more conservative Surface Water Party (SWP) agree on one thing – that as far as Inspection Chambers go, it’s all about accessibility and inclusivity. Currently over 90% of covers on Britain’s main roads are not only documented as manholes but are round and cast-iron. The ICU’s cross-pavement initiative ‘Diversity not Diversions’ is gaining ground and they want to see proportional representation for covers that are square, triangular and particularly for those square ones that are made out of two triangles and clearly forced to conform to the norms of quadrilateral stereotyping. 

Those Inspection Chamber Categories in Full:

IC1 – Round, Cast Iron

IC2 – Cast Iron, Round

IC3 – Iron (cast), Round

IC4 – Other guff