Nearly all the Climate Change Protesters arrested this week have tested positive for traces of Tarmac-19. First reports were that protesters had been stuck in traffic between Junction 8 (Bostick Down) and Junction 9 (All-Bond Street) – a concrete section of the M25 previously thought to have been free of Tarmac-19.

Automobile Immune Disease

Surrey Police advised that cavity searches have been carried out on everyone found stuck to the road surface to ensure they did in fact have adequate wall insulation. Many did not and concerns have been raised by Inspector Building of the Yard that the Insult Britain group may also have planks in their eyes. Speaking from Fracketts Lane Services last night he said: “In the current climate it is likely many protesters are suffering from Buysolar Disorder – a manic belief system, typified by evangelistic episodes when subjects are convinced they will reside in their house long enough to reap a financial return on alternative energy sources. This is typified by a triple-glazed expression and a resistance to moving anywhere else. As a result of this I gave the order to stage an intersection at Bostick Down; our chief concern was that these people might be given to self-farming. However, no one has been charged. Due to the large amount of solvent we had to use – we couldn’t get anything to stick.”

Local commuters and businesses close to Brexit 8 and Brexit 9 were angered by repeat protesters, describing them as “a bunch of complete Teslas.”    

Will Clampie

Motorists who believe they may have been affected by the incidents were advised to stay at least two chevrons away from other cars, not to walk on the fracks in the pavement and take an Arterial Flow Protest as soon as possible. Masks should be worn if using glue and contact adhesives should be avoided if possible. There is no need for the public to search their own cavities.