By Freddie Mercurio

[Scene: AC-2112 Squad Room, pinboard covered in pictures of 90s Rock Albums, DI Steve Arentsure and DI Plate Spinning are joined by Superintendent Ted Bassbins and Sergeant Pepper Spray.]

BASSBINS: So you think ‘M’ has been making music there, in Tunbridge Wells?

ARENTSURE: Yeah, we searched the place and found a secret studio in the attic with recording paraphernalia, together with a CD burner and a stash of blank CDs under the floorboards. Also found a line of Duty Free whisky.

BASSBINS: Any sign of OCD involvement?

SPRAY: Deffo OCD Sir, the place was clean. You’d never have known a musician had been there. There’s more Sir, we found an old Marshall amp in the freezer.

BASSBINS: A Marshall? One of ours? Any leads?

SPINNING: No leads but judging by the jack plugs it had been there for years.

BASSBINS: Mother of God!

ARENTSURE: I think ‘M’ could be getting ready for his next hit.

BASSBINS: A hit? D’you really think so? I mean making music is one thing – but a hit? Do you think he’s capable?

ARENTSURE: He’s certainly capable Sir, it’s just a matter of time.

BASSBINS: So you think he’s the…

ARENTSURE: … he’s definitely The Kent Bopper, Sir. I’m certain of it. We found links to the Banstead Baldheads and the Apsley Guys.

BASSBINS: The Kent Bopper! Really?

SPRAY: Yes Sir, it all fits. After he left Hastings he must have moved up the A21 to Royal Tunbridge Wells to set up this studio. He’s been playing with us.

BASSBINS: Wait a minute; (points at board) Mr Brown went off to town on the A21 – but he comes home each evening and he’s ready with his gun.

ARENTSURE: Exactly. In the shed we found a set of home-made percussion instruments which we’ve linked back to a string of hits in the 1990s. And we found a Fuzz Box too.

BASSBINS: A Fuzz Box? So he’s had someone on the inside all this time? (grimaces) And he does this for a Kick.

ARENTSURE: We have to Consider This. It’s just that his hair was much longer and you have to imagine him in lycra leggings.

BASSBINS: Jesus, Joseph and Mary Chain! I’m trying not to see that wee donkey!

SPRAY: It’s massive sir. A concealed weapon in plain tights. We think a number of people were thrilled in the Line of Duty.

SPINNING: He would’ve gotten away with it back then Sir. Everyone one would have turned…

BASSBINS: …A blind eye? Is that what you’re saying?

ARENTSURE: They would’ve turned away Sir. It’s just how it was.