Full scale looting in London could be reintroduced as early as this weekend if the results from the so-called ‘Jab Spring’ riots in three UK cities are completely ignored. It’s hoped that through haphazard, random gatherings of large numbers of specially selected, touchy-feely extroverts, combined with a lethal dose of COVID and Vaccine angst, sufficient friction will be generated to tap into the latent, very human, need for a good old-fashioned fist-fight.    

Last night the Government expressed ‘deep concern’ about the disappointing lack of take up of rioting across the UK to date but denied there had been a tacit acceptance of peaceful behaviour by cabinet ministers or the public in general.

RIOT PLACE, WRONG TIME

The Home Invasion Secretary, Amber Herd-Immunity, assured parliament that trials had not gone ahead after small outbreaks of discontent in Bristol, Yorkshire and Northern Ireland in order to keep the rampage going in the right direction. “We are anticipating a second wave of disturbances as the weather improves with convictions dropping on a daily basis. This is the only real way we can guarantee Herd Anarchy in the foreseeable future.”

The Government has set out a Roadmap to Nowhere following the recent reintroduction of Rioting in some major UK cities. This will be followed by Looting in the early summer but only if numbers of rioters start picking up stuff from local businesses. “Looting can only happen in earnest if we get uncontrolled crowds back on the streets in time for the warmer weather.” Continued the Home Invasion Secretary.

UNCIVIL REST

Parliamentary critics feel London has been too quiet for too long and that the Prime Minister himself had been ‘Taking the peace.’ during the prolonged period of uncivil rest.  Opposition leader, Sir Steer Calmer, addressing mainly himself said, “People need to stand up for their riots. Looting isn’t an airport near Bedford.”  

The complete opening of pubs is seen as a key catalyst to get the crowds running and Ministers are expected to shy away from reintroduction of the different levels of Tear Gas used in 2020 as these had not created the level of confusion, mayhem and chaos that had been hoped for during the run up to the Sales and Festive season. 

SHAKING OUT AND TOOTING

On Saturday tens of tens of soft-line inactivists are expected to think about planning a virtually crowdfunded, innocuous non-event somewhere in the ether like something is actually happening. Their actions are being criticised by cabinet ministers as ‘the selfish, unthinking and unhelpful actions of law-abiding citizens who are ruining things for everyone’. Their now familiar postings on social media read: “Thou shalt not COVID thy neighbour’s house. Thou shalt not COVID thy neighbour’s significant other or their gardener or cleaner, their car or their door key or anything else that is theirs”.   

However, Government view these groups as a disruptive minority who should come out on the streets, remove their masks and get rioting if they really want things to get back to normal.