Pockets of traumatised do-gooders from the Home Counties of England have formed a convoy of black SUVs over 40 miles long heading west out of the UK Rain towards known yoga retreats. In the west queues were seen from Taunting and Exiter heading towards Nukey. Traumatised after witnessing distressing events first hand on their TVs and other devices, most barely had time to search desperately to find out what the Kernow flag actually looked like, in order to post something trite and colour-coded on social media.  Many fled to alternative therapy retreats before they even had a chance to switch to more ethical energy suppliers.

War Crimeans

Panic broke out in the Retreat queues last night when the shout of “Incoming!” was heard but mistaken for “Inkerman”, the Crimean Town where the Allies defeated the Imperial Russian Army in 1854; this reference to British Imperialism on foreign soil caused deep upset and hurt to clients and therapists alike, who were already treating people affected by the realisation that knitting Balaclavas for refugees would be deeply offensive to anyone on either side who may have lost relatives in that conflict.

Red Raglan to a Bear

The column is currently protected by the 1/15^th Virtue Signals (Queen’s Own), equipped with short term hand-held anti-depressants. At this time of year weather in the UK Rain is still bitter but the knitting of Cardigans (Knit one, Earl One) and anything with a (Lord) Raglan sleeve has long been deemed inappropriate for refugee recipients, who may well take offence at the neo-colonial, post pandemic, pre-apocalyptic, pre-Brexit imperialistic connotations of these articles of clothing.

My Old Cardi Infraction

Turkey’s President Cardigon has been cleared of possessing offensive knitwear after having proven that Baklava is in fact a sweet dessert and any resemblance to the Crimean town was unintentional. The Green Wellington boot sanction has now been extended to encompass the use of offensive knitwear until the long-term effects of are known.

The Lady with the Glamp

Bogdown Yuppi, speaking from a lightly enamoured, so-called ‘Crutch’ Land Rover, showed scratch marks on the paintwork which he claims occurred when he drove too close to a Mk1 ’Hedge’ defence system surrounding a Dog Walking ‘Freedom Field’ in Surrey. Having made it as far as the Nightingale Refugee Glamp in Mindfullhead he felt he had “been lucky to escape with his lifestyle”.

Use of so-called vacuum ministers and bluster munitions (currently outlawed by the Exiter Convention) in response to Storm Eunuch, has led to concern that the situation is spiraling out of control. Mr Yuppi noted “Use of vacuum ministers means we are dyson with death here – we may have left Europe but we are still incontinent”.